Say what you will about Southerners, we are nothing if not hospitable. Which is why we start this week’s episode of Married to Medicine Houston with a “Sorry Supper” prepared by Rachel as penance for showing up to Elly’s fabulous Persian New Year celebration looking like a Holi ghost. Take note, aspiring socialites: You may attend elegant events in wellies, dog wash water and dyed corn starch if, and only if, you are prepared to cook short ribs in a frilly pink Barbie apron on national television afterwards.
Wait. Wait a minute. Are you telling me Rachel is wearing that apron because she wants to, not as an attempt at self-flagellation for her transgressions? Oh. My bad. Moving on.
So Rachel sets out on her apology dinner tour with Mama Maribel and Dr. Ashandra, but Maribel is quick to point out that Dr. Sato and Dr. Monica aren’t on the guest list. Rachel says they didn’t think they had anything to apologize for and shrugs it off. “If they want to apologize, they can apologize on their own.”
Somehow I don’t see that happening.
As Dr. Elly and her sister, Pegah, head toward Rachel’s house, they still seem to be having a really hard time letting go of their friends’ fashion faux pas. The two agree to remain positive, which will be difficult in the face of such adversity, but props to them for being so strong.
Meanwhile, Dr. Monica and her man-child boyfriend Imad head to Hugo’s for dinner with Dr. Sato and her hubs, Derek. This scene seems to serve two purposes: give Imad a pedestal upon which to display his misogyny and advertise Hugo’s by going into much more detail than usual about the food. Last week, the ladies hit up Backstreet Café, and this week they’re at another Hugo Ortega/Tracy Vaught establishment. Good for you, Hugo and Tracy!
Erika shows up to dinner straight off a shift in scrubs and no makeup, which is a brave move for a thirty-something woman on Bravo. It’s awesome that she keeps it so real. Less awesome, though, are the next words that come out of her mouth: “I literally have blood on me.” Um, isn’t that, like, a biohazard?
Over cocktails and barbacoa, Erika and Monica wonder if they’re now the “bad guys” because they didn’t apologize. Monica maintains they have nothing to apologize for because they showed up. Congrats, you have met the minimum required standards for being an acquaintance.
Anyway, Hugo’s queso flameado looks delicious, as usual, but the cheesiest moment of this meal comes from Imad. When Erika and Derek reveal their plans to freeze some eggs and use a surrogate to have a baby, Imad becomes a chauvinist pig straight out of Mad Men. “If you can do it, you have to do it,” he says to Erika. “What I heard is ‘I work too much, so I can’t carry the baby.’ Screw that.” Bro, screw you.
As usual, Erika is unfazed. Girl, you are going to have to react to something at some point. Don’t you know you can’t be on a Bravo show unless you demonstrate a willingness to throw a drink in someone’s face at the slightest provocation?
Back at the Sorry Supper
Back at the Rachel Suliburk Sorry Supper©, Elly is making the ladies work for her forgiveness. Ashandra, seemingly taking a page out of Monica’s excuse book, notes that they did what they were supposed to: show up. Apparently you have to be very specific when you invite these women to events. “Dear friend, please come to my party. Preferably on time. Preferably not wet. Maybe wear something clean.”
Fortunately, the Sorry Supper© seems to be working, because Elly accepts the apologies and promises to get over it. Rachel is thrilled, and notes that “everyone smiles in the same language.” The syrupy aphorism makes everyone vomit. Just kidding, that was only me.
Rachel then invites the ladies to a crawfish boil at her friend’s house near Beaumont, promising a nice, “drama free” event. Damnit, Rachel. You done jinxed it.
Next, we get the only scene of Ashandra and Ricky’s family life for this week, which is disappointing, because I think I could watch an entire hour of them being goofy. Ricky isn’t sure if he can make it to the crawfish boil, insinuating that if he does make the effort, Dr. A owes him in the bedroom, if you know what I mean. Then, he incites a veritable riot with the children demanding dinner, and yes, I still think he’s a caveman, but he’s such an endearing caveman. You win, Ricky. You win.
While everyone prepares to head out to the ranch, we learn a little bit more about Imad. He’s Lebanese and was raised Muslim. He’s a car dealer in San Antonio. He has a son from a previous relationship, but he’s afraid of commitment with Monica. He’s an asshole. Sorry, I’m editorializing.
The importance of crawfish
Rachel arrives at a beautiful ranch owned by her friend Ashley, and shortly thereafter, Elly, Pegah and Ashandra join the party. Then Ashandra treats us to a short sermon about the importance of crawfish season to Houstonians, and I firmly believe her words should be printed on a billboard at all entrances to the city. Also, it’s kind of unfair that this is airing when it’s not crawfish season, because now I am craving mudbugs something fierce.
When Monica and Imad show up, Elly congratulates her (to the camera) on arriving not looking like “a drowned rat” and Monica makes comments (to the camera) about Elly not being a real doctor.
And now, if I may, some words about audiologists, because I am getting sick of this "is-she-or-isn’t-she?" crap. According to the American Speech-Language-Hearing Association, to become a practicing audiologist and work with patients, one does not have to go to medical school, but one does need to get a doctoral degree, which can be an Au.D. (doctor of audiology) or a Ph.D. Dr. Elly is, therefore, a doctor. We all clear now? Great. Let’s never bring this up again.
So the crawfish boil begins, and Monica and Erika are sitting in a corner not eating crawfish because they are skeeved out by the diminutive crustaceans. Look, ladies, I liked you all right before, but I don’t trust people who don’t eat crawfish. It’s un-Texan.
As dinner winds down, the conversation among the group turns to the potential of Monica and Imad perhaps one day marrying, which, sorry kids, I really don’t see happening. Monica desperately wants a traditional marriage and family, so Imad, clever asshole that he is, says, “Let’s do it now!” and then refuses to let the joke die, even when Monica becomes visibly upset. (But she is not crying. For the record. NOT CRYING.)
“Did I say anything wrong?” Imad asks the group, laughing. Goddamnit, Imad. YES.
He and Monica try to hash it out, but the dude won’t listen to her concerns at all. Finally, they agree to forget it and return to the party, because forgetting problems is always the way to solve them!
"White girl wasted"
Cut to dusk. Ricky has arrived (thank the sweet baby Jesus), while Rachel is clearly “white girl wasted” (Elly’s words, not mine, though I would have chosen the same descriptor) and getting increasingly shrill. She gathers the cast — the owners of the ranch are nowhere to be seen — around a fire to make S’mores and play a rousing game of “Two Truths and a Lie,” which, even in my drunkest college days, I never deigned to play.
Why? Because it’s boring. Erika knows. She’s sitting on Derek’s lap, whispering sweet nothings in his ear. And by “sweet nothings,” I mean they’re talking some shit, because Erika has better things to do than drink and play silly games. Of course, Drunk Rachel (that’s her new name) notices, and implores Erika and Derek to “Check yourself before you wreck yourself.” Oh, honey.
In an aside, Erika theorizes that Drunk Rachel’s insecurities come out when she drinks because she’s surrounded by women with advanced degrees and careers. Erika’s revelations are harsh, but I kinda think she might be right. Drunk Rachel is actively bolstering Erika’s argument by telling everyone she’s super smart while slurring her words and acting like a middle school mean girl. It’s not a great look.
Erika and Derek (have I mentioned yet he’s dressed like a 12-year-old going as a frat guy for Halloween?) make a swift exit to avoid any drama, which is admirable, but not the way to score a second season on a Bravo reality show. It was nice to meet you, Erika. Byeeeeeee.
And then, of course, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Remember last week when Monica mentioned that Elly wasn’t a “real” doctor or some such nonsense? Of course you do. I implored us never to bring up #doctorgate again, but here we are.
Drunk Rachel informs Elly that Monica was talking smack, saying, “I guess they’re just giving away doctor degrees!” I didn’t hear that, so either it was said off camera, or Drunk Rachel is straight making stuff up. The message was, essentially, the same, though.
Sidenote: Does Elly sleep in all that makeup? What do her pillowcases look like?
At the thought of her education and career being discounted by Monica, Elly starts crying, then vows to not say anything right now. “At some point, when I feel like the time is right, I’ll address it,” she says heroically, but with a hint of foreboding.
I, for one, cannot wait.
Stay tuned next week for the return of Cindi Rose. From the preview, it looks like she’s wearing a pink beret, so I’m pumped.